***POSSIBLE SPOILERS! If you haven't seen the film, you may not want to read this. You have been worn.***
What the Fuck!
::Sigh::
Sorry, couldn't hold that one back. I'm pissed. Better, I was extremely pissed after seeing the latest Indy flick. Now maybe its just me, but that's not the emotion I was hoping to have. Okay, short review time, then venting. In short, Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull is an idiotically mechanical, plot-heavy, soulless fluff, not so much thrill ride. That's my short review.
Here's the long version.
What happened? This screenplay is atrocious. Downright sad. I wanted to punch myself in the face the first ten minutes of the film. Then it got a little better. But not much. First off, this is not the Indy you remember. Don't go in thinking that. If you do, it'll be like seeing a love one on a deathbed, a pale comparison to what they used to be. Honest to god, this is what we waited for? Frank Darabont's Spielberg approved Lucas rejected screenplay wasn't better than this? That's not possible. Okay, I recant, highly unlikely. In fact, that's what this film is. Highly unlikely. Everything in it is highly unlikely and it's highly unlikely I'll ever watch it again.
Alright, let's look on the brightside. There were things I liked about this film. They were few and far between but when they happened, I smiled and felt like I was watching something worthy to be called an Indiana Jones movie, not the CGI filled over DI'd monstrosity before me. I'm not a huge fan of Temple of Doom, but this makes it look like Shakespeare. Here's the list:
Things that were good:
-the ant hill paramount logo open. That shot. Nothing more.
-The Indy shadow hat reveal.
-Harrison. After the opener. He IS Indiana Jones. Good to see him come alive again.
-Shia LaBeouf's rebel without a cause intro and presence in the film.
-The College campus chase.
-The map travel sequences
-Peru, and Indy's reference to Young Indy series.
-Indy blowing the dart into the guys throat.
-Indy and Mutt first finding the Crystal Skull.
-Indy needing his own knife bit.
-Indy's line to Marion "They weren't you." in the truck (single greatest moment in the whole film.)
-Indy's fist fight with the big Russian guy during the stupid ant attack, but not the ant attack itself.
What was horrible? Everything else. However there were some things that were just so bad that I must note.
-Indiana Jones surviving a nuclear explosion. In a fridge. Yup. That's right. It happens. In the first ten minutes. An A-Bomb levels a whole town, but the shockwave carries Indy in his lead-lined fridge to safety. He then gets out and precedes up the hill to have a gigantic mushroom cloud appear on the horizon. I'm sorry, but did Indy become Captain American during the fifties? Did he become Superman? Cause I'm pretty sure only Superman could surviving a nuclear-fucking-explosion without a damn scratch, lead-lined fridge or not!
-Indy's lack of using his whip. This is minor, but I feel necessary. He uses it three times in the movie. Now I know he doesn't use it much in Last Crusade, and that's fair, but come on. Least give us something! He whips the gun out of a Russians hand in that ridiculous opener and you can barely see Harrison doing it. In fact, it's shot in a way that I'm not sure it is him. Then he uses it again in same scene to swing from the rafters. Cool. Then he uses it as a rope to try and save Mac at the end. That's all. ::sigh::
-The "Indy is a Commi" subplot, hamfistedly introduced and drop as soon as its not necessary (like three scenes later). First off, okay, i get it, we're in the fifties. Done. I got that. I don't need 18 bagillion references to the reds, Indy fighting the reds, yadda yadda yadda. Its like they kept having to tell us the were in the cold war instead of just being in the cold war. People didn't talk this much about WWII when the Nazi's were involved. And the thing is, it's a throw away plot. That concept, if used properly is an interesting idea, not one I planned on seeing, but could be interesting if done, not just tossed out there. And also, the Men in Black are so uptight cause Indy helped the Soviets. Well if you know about that, don't you know they kidnapped him in Mexico too? Or does the bureau's influence not encompass that cause its the fifties. Plus, with his war record, that the colonel readily supplies, shouldn't they be alittle less suspicious? Red Scare. I get it it. God.
-The massive truck-we have to try and top Raiders but we can't throw some bad CGI and compositing in there instead-chase through the jungle. The sword fight is cool. But God, the chaseis unnecessarily long. You know what it reminded me of? The Brontosaurus scene in Peter Jackson's King Kong. I have the sames problem with it. Too long, bad CGI, and wholly unnecessary. Oh and Mutt has balls of steel apparently cause he got hit there like three times during the sword fight. Maybe he gets it from his Nuclear Holocaust surviving old man? With Genes like that, you wonder how Sean Connery passed away. It must have taken a lot. Oh yeah, and then Mutt saves the day by going Tarzan and attacks Cate Blanchett with monkeys. I am not exaggerating. God, I wish I were.
-Missed opportunities and lack of character (development and otherwise). I like Mutt. He's cool. No Shortround, but who is. I like Mutt as Indy's son. If you're going that way, cool. But at least make it pay off!!!!! Last Crusade is all one big father son story. And while I wouldn't do them back to back, if you are, at least get into it and explore the wealth of emotional and character possibilities inherit there in! If Last Crusade turned Indy into a man, Crystal Skull could turn that man into a father. That's powerful stuff! Is that in there? Nope. Have killer ants instead. No I don't want killer ants I want characters I can care about, thank you. Is that too much to ask? Apparently. And then, there's Karen Allen. Any Indy fan loves Marion. She is the one. She could stand toe to toe with Indy. And she's back! But then she doesn't do anything. Indy and her have two good moments, the one in the truck, and the one in the sand pit. But putting the two of them back together on screen should have been magic. Instead it just induced nostalgia of a far better film. And her intro is poorly handled. After having left her on at the altar, Indy sees her again, literally goes Goofy, and rambles up for a hug. Know what would have been great? Marion punching him ala her intro at bar in Raiders. It would have been a call back and a solid character moment. the crowd would have cheered. But oh wait, I forgot, there is no character in this movie. ::Sigh::
-The whole ending. I don't even have the strength to go into it.
Ironically, there's a scene in the film that says it all. During the awesome campus chase, the Russians end up crashing their car into a statue of the late, and missed Marcus Brody. The head falls into the driver's lap. Meanwhile Indy looks on from the back of the motorcycle he's riding with Mutt. Indy is just an observer to this whole spectacle and the sadness in his eyes and the sullying of the memory of his good friend is exactly the way I feel about this film.
Want to see a good summer movie, go watch Iron Man!
What the Fuck!
::Sigh::
Sorry, couldn't hold that one back. I'm pissed. Better, I was extremely pissed after seeing the latest Indy flick. Now maybe its just me, but that's not the emotion I was hoping to have. Okay, short review time, then venting. In short, Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull is an idiotically mechanical, plot-heavy, soulless fluff, not so much thrill ride. That's my short review.
Here's the long version.
What happened? This screenplay is atrocious. Downright sad. I wanted to punch myself in the face the first ten minutes of the film. Then it got a little better. But not much. First off, this is not the Indy you remember. Don't go in thinking that. If you do, it'll be like seeing a love one on a deathbed, a pale comparison to what they used to be. Honest to god, this is what we waited for? Frank Darabont's Spielberg approved Lucas rejected screenplay wasn't better than this? That's not possible. Okay, I recant, highly unlikely. In fact, that's what this film is. Highly unlikely. Everything in it is highly unlikely and it's highly unlikely I'll ever watch it again.
Alright, let's look on the brightside. There were things I liked about this film. They were few and far between but when they happened, I smiled and felt like I was watching something worthy to be called an Indiana Jones movie, not the CGI filled over DI'd monstrosity before me. I'm not a huge fan of Temple of Doom, but this makes it look like Shakespeare. Here's the list:
Things that were good:
-the ant hill paramount logo open. That shot. Nothing more.
-The Indy shadow hat reveal.
-Harrison. After the opener. He IS Indiana Jones. Good to see him come alive again.
-Shia LaBeouf's rebel without a cause intro and presence in the film.
-The College campus chase.
-The map travel sequences
-Peru, and Indy's reference to Young Indy series.
-Indy blowing the dart into the guys throat.
-Indy and Mutt first finding the Crystal Skull.
-Indy needing his own knife bit.
-Indy's line to Marion "They weren't you." in the truck (single greatest moment in the whole film.)
-Indy's fist fight with the big Russian guy during the stupid ant attack, but not the ant attack itself.
What was horrible? Everything else. However there were some things that were just so bad that I must note.
-Indiana Jones surviving a nuclear explosion. In a fridge. Yup. That's right. It happens. In the first ten minutes. An A-Bomb levels a whole town, but the shockwave carries Indy in his lead-lined fridge to safety. He then gets out and precedes up the hill to have a gigantic mushroom cloud appear on the horizon. I'm sorry, but did Indy become Captain American during the fifties? Did he become Superman? Cause I'm pretty sure only Superman could surviving a nuclear-fucking-explosion without a damn scratch, lead-lined fridge or not!
-Indy's lack of using his whip. This is minor, but I feel necessary. He uses it three times in the movie. Now I know he doesn't use it much in Last Crusade, and that's fair, but come on. Least give us something! He whips the gun out of a Russians hand in that ridiculous opener and you can barely see Harrison doing it. In fact, it's shot in a way that I'm not sure it is him. Then he uses it again in same scene to swing from the rafters. Cool. Then he uses it as a rope to try and save Mac at the end. That's all. ::sigh::
-The "Indy is a Commi" subplot, hamfistedly introduced and drop as soon as its not necessary (like three scenes later). First off, okay, i get it, we're in the fifties. Done. I got that. I don't need 18 bagillion references to the reds, Indy fighting the reds, yadda yadda yadda. Its like they kept having to tell us the were in the cold war instead of just being in the cold war. People didn't talk this much about WWII when the Nazi's were involved. And the thing is, it's a throw away plot. That concept, if used properly is an interesting idea, not one I planned on seeing, but could be interesting if done, not just tossed out there. And also, the Men in Black are so uptight cause Indy helped the Soviets. Well if you know about that, don't you know they kidnapped him in Mexico too? Or does the bureau's influence not encompass that cause its the fifties. Plus, with his war record, that the colonel readily supplies, shouldn't they be alittle less suspicious? Red Scare. I get it it. God.
-The massive truck-we have to try and top Raiders but we can't throw some bad CGI and compositing in there instead-chase through the jungle. The sword fight is cool. But God, the chaseis unnecessarily long. You know what it reminded me of? The Brontosaurus scene in Peter Jackson's King Kong. I have the sames problem with it. Too long, bad CGI, and wholly unnecessary. Oh and Mutt has balls of steel apparently cause he got hit there like three times during the sword fight. Maybe he gets it from his Nuclear Holocaust surviving old man? With Genes like that, you wonder how Sean Connery passed away. It must have taken a lot. Oh yeah, and then Mutt saves the day by going Tarzan and attacks Cate Blanchett with monkeys. I am not exaggerating. God, I wish I were.
-Missed opportunities and lack of character (development and otherwise). I like Mutt. He's cool. No Shortround, but who is. I like Mutt as Indy's son. If you're going that way, cool. But at least make it pay off!!!!! Last Crusade is all one big father son story. And while I wouldn't do them back to back, if you are, at least get into it and explore the wealth of emotional and character possibilities inherit there in! If Last Crusade turned Indy into a man, Crystal Skull could turn that man into a father. That's powerful stuff! Is that in there? Nope. Have killer ants instead. No I don't want killer ants I want characters I can care about, thank you. Is that too much to ask? Apparently. And then, there's Karen Allen. Any Indy fan loves Marion. She is the one. She could stand toe to toe with Indy. And she's back! But then she doesn't do anything. Indy and her have two good moments, the one in the truck, and the one in the sand pit. But putting the two of them back together on screen should have been magic. Instead it just induced nostalgia of a far better film. And her intro is poorly handled. After having left her on at the altar, Indy sees her again, literally goes Goofy, and rambles up for a hug. Know what would have been great? Marion punching him ala her intro at bar in Raiders. It would have been a call back and a solid character moment. the crowd would have cheered. But oh wait, I forgot, there is no character in this movie. ::Sigh::
-The whole ending. I don't even have the strength to go into it.
Ironically, there's a scene in the film that says it all. During the awesome campus chase, the Russians end up crashing their car into a statue of the late, and missed Marcus Brody. The head falls into the driver's lap. Meanwhile Indy looks on from the back of the motorcycle he's riding with Mutt. Indy is just an observer to this whole spectacle and the sadness in his eyes and the sullying of the memory of his good friend is exactly the way I feel about this film.
Want to see a good summer movie, go watch Iron Man!
Memories of a better time.
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